It's not easy losing a husband. On the long list of ugly, losing a spouse rockets to the top--One day you are a couple, doing the couple thing, next day, you are a lonely-only. And getting through the grief process sucks. But, I'm here to tell you, you can and you will recover.
Here's 5 do's to get you through your grief process:
Do #1: Love Yourself.
Do become your best friend.
Do not be afraid to ask yourself out-loud (yes, you have permission to talk to yourself) questions.
Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? Who do you want to see?
Find out what makes you, dear widow, happy. Then just do it. Even if it is to run to the corner discount drug store to purchase a box of fake nails to pretty your hands, or to purchase a box of hair dye to cover those pesky grey roots.
Practicing Do #1 will teach you how special a lady you truly are.
Do #2: Give Yourself Permission.
Do give yourself permission--To mourn, to grieve, to laugh, and to cry.
Repeat over and over to yourself, "There is no right way, no wrong way, to mourn, there is just 'my' way." And for goodness sakes, if you feel like crying, please do. Never hold your sadness inside. Tears are healthy. And, they are cleansing. I always feel better after a good cry. Also, if you want to get out of the house, by all means, do it. You have permission. Remember?
Do #3: Perform acts of Lovingkindness.
Do look for ways to help others. Helping someone in need will act as a distraction as you heal your broken heart. It will help you to create new memories. When Hurricane Katrina struck, it was less than one year after the death of my husband. Seeing unhappy faces splashed across my TV set, I raised my hand, and volunteered with the American Red Cross. From Alabama to Mississippi, I drove a truck delivering laptops, supplies, and VSatt-5 dishes to shelters. I did the best I could to reach out and touch someone in need. And it felt great! Of course I didn't admit to co-volunteers the true reason for pulling off to the side of a road and crying my eyes out was due to my husband being dead and not the victims of that dreaded storm begging bottled water and a safe place to sleep. When it comes to filling the void after losing your man, it is important to learn life's valuable lesson and that is, we're not alone. So don't be bashful, reach out and touch someone in need.
Do #4: Get out of the house.
Do go out.
Why not? You do have permission. Don remember? Go back and reread Rule #2.
What's that? You say, you're alone and you got nobody to take you out? Proceed to Rule #5.
Do #5: Get Over it!
Do begin each new day reminding yourself that you are important and that life is for the living.
Taking yourself out for breakfast to a local diner is a start. And sitting at a counter, reading a newspaper, scanning headlines, scarfing down blueberry pancakes smothered in melted butter and maple syrup by yourself will help to mark a new beginning, will create new friendships (think waitress, cashier, busboy), form new ideas (ever read a place mat?), and broaden your horizons (think Cheers, everybody likes a place to go where everybody knows your name).
I know it's not easy burying a husband, your lover, your mentor, your knight in shining armor. But if you follow my 5 Do's as outlined above, you will be one giant baby step forward with the best of your life. I promise.
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